Common Fears and Obstacles to Starting Couples Therapy

Jun. 23

Please note: our blog posts are solely informational and are not meant to replace individualized therapeutic advice or healthcare.

Starting any form of therapy can be daunting. Lots of worries can and do come up for people as they contemplate this journey and somehow couples therapy seems to be even harder. Now there are at least 2 people that need to be ready and open to meaningful change to step into the therapy space. That’s doubly hard!

But even beyond the individual fear and worries about therapy (which we covered in a previous post) there are more issues that surface for folks thinking about couples counselling.

In this blog, we touch on the fears and obstacles that can arise, and talk through some of the antidotes and shifts in perspective that could help ease these fears.

1. What if I get blamed for everything?

You likely try your best in your relationship and now that things aren’t feeling so hot anymore, maybe you fear that you’ll be blamed. You don’t need to be accused of this or that when if feels like you are doing what you can. That’s a really common fear.

No good therapist will blame any single person for an issue in a relationship. Relationships are dynamics between two or more people that naturally shift with time, energy, life phase and material resources. There are a lot of factors that contribute to relationship issues, and while you and your partner(s) hold your own level of responsibility, this is far more nuanced than 1 person being responsible for all of the hurt, pain and miscommunication.

You individually bring in your own communication style, conflict resolution strategies, beliefs, experiences and dreams into the relationship, but what happens in a relationship occurs in the space between people. It’s not a one-way process and it’s not a blaming process but rather a dismantling of unhelpful patterns and a relearning of more supportive and caring strategies for future growth, joy and connection.

2. A stranger doesn’t need to hear about our issues, how embarrassing!

Opening up to a stranger is a really weird process at first. There is no denying that it’s not something that is normalized in our society and often we are encouraged to just deal with our issues on our own. Ugh, but that isn’t working is it?

Maybe you’re thinking about therapy because your stuck in repetitive conversations that lead to nothing, or you’re eager to let go of a deep hurt within your relationship, or your partner has encouraged (demanded) that you start couples therapy. No matter how you enter this space, those deep social and cultural beliefs around mental and emotional health will likely surface.

Shame rears it’s ugly little head a little too often in these considerations and we really dislike shame. It can have you feeling like seeing a therapist means that you’re a bad partner, that you’re not capable of figuring things out, or that you’ve done something terribly wrong, shame wants you to hide. Hide and avoid and ignore, it does it ultimately to protect you from those awful feelings and thoughts but it only feeds the problem.

Avoiding the issues in a relationship can breed further disconnection, resentment and loneliness.

Your therapist will help you process those icky feelings that you might have about seeking couples counselling, but they will NEVER shame you for those feelings or embarrass you for anything that you reveal in the process.

couple sitting on a bed looking at the computer while smiling with their child sitting on the dad's shoulders

3. What if I have to change something big?!

Sure, change is a part of the therapy process and change can be really frightening. This is especially true if you feel like any changes that need to happen will be out of your control, either initiated by your partner or the therapist.

You and your partner are central to this process. Any changes that are ‘needed’ will occur as a result of new perspectives and understandings about each other, not out of sheer force from someone else. When you’re in the process of therapy, you likely won’t even notice the changes that occur because they will be so incremental, supported and aligned with the overall goals of your relationship. These changes are exactly what will propel you into a more fulfilling and loving partnership, it’s well worth the discomfort.

4. What if this process leads to a break-up?!

This relationship must mean a whole lot to you if you want to ensure its longevity so fiercely. That’s really important to acknowledge and allow. AND this perspective is worth examining because there is something beneath the fear. The desire to stay in a relationship that is potentially fraught with miscommunication, hurt, contempt, defensiveness, joylessness, jealousy, coldness, criticism, etc. maybe says something about how you feel about yourself, your worth, or how you view partnerships. It can be a lot bigger than what can be addressed in couples therapy, and sometimes your couples therapist will recommend individual therapy in support of the entire process. Actually, if we could make one recommendation, it would be to definitely do individual work alongside couples work. Even that will have profound effects on the dynamic of your relationship.

5. But, I KNOW that the issue is with them, why do I need to go to therapy too?

Remember Question 1? No one person is to blame for everything in a relationship. Let’s use an example for this one.

Let’s say your partner experienced a really hurtful infidelity in their previous relationship and they are jealous, controlling or fearful in this relationship with you. Yes, the precipitating issue was outside of you and your control, but it very clearly exists in your relationship and affects it in numerous ways. How you react and relate to each other during challenging or triggering times can either serve to maintain an unhelpful pattern or it can help propel you both towards healing. Washing your hands of any responsibility, though is true in some ways, doesn’t offer the partnership the kind of mutual care and attention it needs to survive.

Each bid for attention and reassurance from your partner comes from a need in them, and sometimes it can be frustrating to identify or navigate this process individually. Your couples therapist will help you both turn your ear towards underlying messages that are always swirling around your interactions, then shift your communication styles to ensure your conversations are productive, caring and move you towards your relationship ideals.

Ok, we run a therapy clinic and obviously believe in the process of therapy and maybe that doesn’t mean as much coming from us. But, about 50% of couples go to couples counselling at some point in their relationship, so you likely know someone that has done it and will have their own feelings to share about the process. Ask a trusted someone and see if they felt it was worth it, and if they can corroborate some of our advice. ;)