Book Review: Polysecure by Jessica Fern

Please note: our blog posts are solely informational and are not meant to replace individualized therapeutic advice or healthcare.

Polysecure by Jessica Fern is an easily digestible psychology text for everyday people. You do not need to have a degree in psychology or even any understanding of Attachment Theory in order to pick this book up and get lots of juicy information from it.

In Polysecure, Jessica Fern’s goal is to speak about the idea of attachment and specifically Attachment Theory and how it applies within non-monogamous relationship structures. The entire premise of the book is that having a single romantic/sexual partner does not necessarily mean you’ll automatically be securely attached to that person, just like having multiple partners does not necessarily mean that you’ll lack secure attachment with any/all of them.

The book starts with a bit of a daunting chapter on the basics of Attachment Theory which is somehow simultaneously dry and absolutely terrifying. She tries to give lots of examples about the ways people experience insecure attachment with their caregivers (aka. most often parents) which (for this parent) had me feeling quite overcome with helplessness around fostering consistent and secure attachment with my own children. Yikes. But, do prevail here. Push through that feeling of wanting to avoid these thoughts and therefore the book because the subsequent chapters offer a lot of practical tips towards doing just that.

She also then offers a new way of thinking about Attachment Theory something called the Nested Model of Attachment Theory which zooms the lens out beyond the individual and family dynamic, and offers a more structural view of how community, culture and the world effect our ability to attach securely to other people.

The social worker in me loved this part!

I cherish any shift in perspective from individualizing problems and blaming people to understanding the landscape of our lives and how they shape our access to resources and therefore often our choices. Yay, Jessica!

The most fruitful part of the book comes in the latter half with practical, varied and approachable strategies to fostering secure attachment within ourselves (yup, really important) and with all people around us whom we choose to have an attachment relationship with. Here she follows an acronym for secure functioning called HEARTS.

Here (being present)
Expressed Delight
Attunement
Rituals and Routines
Turning towards after conflict
Secure attachment with the self

I won’t butcher the strategies here, I honestly would just recommend reading it and highlighting it and trying it out for yourself! But…

Have you noticed that I haven’t really mentioned non-monogamy yet?

So frankly. the book is mid-titled. That is an opinion that I am very passionate about.

I feel like in an attempt to write a book about non-monogamy and attachment, she wrote a book about healing our own attachment wounds through our relational choices and behaviours. This is regardless of the structure of those relationships because many of the tips in her book could be applied to relationships with friends, colleagues, children, parents, and partners.

Ultimately, any relationship that you want rooted in security and attachment would benefit from applying the HEARTS of attachment strategies. Yes, that means applying it to non-monogamous structures too, and this book certainly validates that choice. But, it’s really not a book for only non-monogamous folks and I fear that many people would be afraid to pick it up and give it a shot based on the belief that it is. That reading this would somehow mean you’re questioning monogamy or your relationship.

In reality, reading this book has the potential to significantly strengthen the bonds within your monogamous or non-monogamous relationships. If you’re curious, give it a read and see for yourself. I highly recommend it.

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