My Mom Has Dementia and She Hates Me. What Do I Do?
It's incredibly challenging to see a loved one, especially a parent, go through dementia.
Not only does it affect them, but also their family members and the people around them, with some even thinking “My mom has dementia and she hates me.”
Firstly, if you’re feeling this, your feelings are valid and you’re not alone. In fact, every year in Canada, family and friends provide over 470 million hours of care to loved ones living with dementia, which is equivalent to 235,000 full-time jobs. It makes sense that even after all the time you’ve put into caring for her, appreciation doesn’t seem to go noticed.
Many caregivers experience similar feelings of frustration, sadness, and helplessness when they’re faced with a loved one's dementia, and specifically, dementia-related behaviour, as their mothers might not be seeing the time and care you’re putting in to make her feel as comfortable as possible.
What is Dementia?
Dementia is a group of symptoms affecting memory, thinking, and social abilities severely enough to interfere with daily functioning.
It’s important to remember that dementia itself is not a specific disease, but rather a general term for a decline in cognitive abilities. There are several types of dementia, with Alzheimer's disease being the most common, along with vascular dementia, Lewy body dementia, and frontotemporal dementia being other less common ones.
Some typical symptoms of many types of dementia include:
Memory loss, especially recent memories
Difficulty communicating or finding words
Challenges with planning and organizing
Confusion and disorientation
Personality and mood changes
Difficulty completing familiar tasks
Poor judgment and decision-making
As dementia progresses, these symptoms worsen and can lead to a significant impact on daily life. Simple tasks like dressing, eating, and bathing can become challenging, and individuals with advanced dementia may require full-time care.
It’s important to know that while you might be saying to yourself “My mom has dementia and she hates me,” her actions are likely not reflecting what her emotions would be were she not battling dementia.
The Common Effects of Dementia
As you likely have experienced, dementia has a ripple effect on the entire family; it doesn’t just stop at the person suffering.
Impact of Family Dynamics
Dementia can strain family relationships as roles and responsibilities shift. The parent you once relied on for guidance and support may now depend on you for care.
This reversal can be difficult to navigate and may lead to feelings of guilt, frustration, and sadness among family members, especially if you’ve found yourself saying “My mom has dementia and she hates me.”
These feelings are normal and seeking support from others going through the same thing can better help you cope.
Emotional Toll on Caregivers
Caregivers often face intense emotional challenges when their mom has dementia.
Feelings of grief and loss can arise as you witness your parent's decline, so managing caregiver stress is crucial to make sure you can show up for your loved one as much as you can.
Joining support groups, seeking counseling, and taking regular breaks to recharge are great ways to make sure you’re giving yourself a mental reset in between sessions.
Remember, you want to show up both for your loved one and for yourself day in and day out, especially for those days that feel particularly wrong.
Challenges in Communication and Understanding
Dementia can impair communication skills, making it challenging to understand and be understood.
Simple conversations can quickly become frustrating and confusing for both you and your loved one.
You might need to read some books about how to best communicate with someone struggling with dementia, and learn techniques like speaking slowly, using simple language, and maintaining eye contact to help improve communication.
Responding and Coping with Your Mom’s Dementia
There’s not much that can help make coping with your mom’s dementia easier, but understanding the behaviour changes associated with her condition may be able to help you respond more effectively (and feel less overwhelmed day to day):
Understanding Behaviour Changes
Dementia can cause a range of behavioral changes, like agitation, aggression, and wandering, which can be distressing both for your mom and for you.
It's important to remember that these behaviors are a result of the disease and not a reflection of your relationship.
Remaining calm and reassuring, establishing a daily routine, reducing distractions and background noises, and using gentle redirection techniques are all common strategies for responding to these behaviours.
Ultimately, at the root of everything is maintaining patience and empathy. But while telling you to put yourself in your mom’s shoes and understand that her actions aren’t intentional, speaking to a therapist can help you maintain ongoing support during this difficult time.
Strategies for Improving Communication and Connection
Let’s get a little more into specifics for communicating with a mom with dementia. While it’s easy to place all dementia patients under one umbrella, we understand that not everyone’s mother will respond perfectly to every technique. This is why we suggest working with a therapist not only to learn how to communicate with your mother, but how to take care of yourself throughout the process.
Using simple, clear language, avoiding using complex sentences or jargon that she may not know or remember.
Speaking slowly and calmly, giving your mom time to process what you're saying without putting pressure on her for finishing her sentence.
Maintaining eye contact to help your mom feel more connected to you.
Being patient, and understanding that it may take longer for your mom to respond or understand.
Avoiding arguing or correcting, but instead validating her feelings and redirect the conversation if needed.
Using nonverbal cues like touch, gestures, and facial expressions to help convey your message.
Engaging in activities that you both enjoy, like listening to music or looking through old photos.
Self-Care for Caregivers to Avoid Burnout
This is where it’s even more important to take care of yourself in the process. Seeing your mom battle dementia can be emotionally exhausting, and it’s okay to ask for help for yourself just like you’re asking for help for her.
Taking breaks can clear your mind, especially if you feel you had a particularly difficult visit.
Seeking support from friends, family members, a therapist, or groups can help validate your feelings and ensure you don’t feel alone.
Practice stress-relief techniques, like yoga, meditation, or deep breathing exercises so you can manage your stress.
Maintain a healthy lifestyle, continuing to eat well, exercise regularly, and get enough sleep to keep your body and mind as energized and healthy as you need.
Practice stress-relief techniques: Yoga, meditation, or deep breathing exercises can help you manage stress.
Maintain a healthy lifestyle: Eat well, exercise regularly, and get enough sleep to keep yourself healthy and energized.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can I cope when my mom has dementia?
Educate yourself about dementia to better understand the condition by asking friends, joining support groups, and practicing patience and empathy when spending time with your mother. Ultimately, coping isn’t a one-size-fits-all all, which is why seeking 1:1 support through therapy is a great way to get personalized support.
I think my mom has dementia. What do I do?
If you suspect that your mom has dementia, it's important to seek a professional evaluation.
Schedule an appointment with her primary care physician or a neurologist who specializes in dementia. They can conduct a thorough assessment, which may include cognitive tests and a medical history review, to determine if dementia is present and what type it may be.
How can I tell if my mom has dementia?
Signs of dementia can vary, but some common symptoms include memory loss, difficulty completing familiar tasks, conclusions about the time, place, or people, and sudden changes in mood or behaviour.
“My Mom Has Dementia and She Hates Me:” Find Support at Access Therapy
We offer individualized, specialized therapy approaches specifically designed to help you create emotional support and coping techniques for traumatic events in your life.
Book afree therapy consultation to take the next steps towards a better life so you can care for your mother and yourself.
