I Hate My Boyfriend's Mom. What Do I Do?

Feeling the pressure from your boyfriend’s mom and not sure what to do?

Many people face challenges in their relationships with their partner’s parents, and it can be tough to know how to handle it (outside the traditional “Monster In Law” mainstream media approaches)!

Whether it's catching yourself thinking “I feel like my boyfriend’s mom hates me,” or even “I hate my boyfriend’s mom”, navigating these dynamics requires patience, understanding, and sometimes a little bit of strategy.

Notable Dynamics Between You and Your Boyfriend’s Mom

Romantic relationships aren’t just about you and your partner but often involve navigating relationships with friends and family members, too.

Mother-in-Law/Daughter-in-Law Dynamic

The classic mother-in-law/daughter-in-law dynamic is a relationship that's been a source of both joy and frustration for many. It's essential to recognize the impact of gender roles and family traditions in your boyfriend’s family, specifically if they were initiated by his mother. These can heavily influence the dynamic, dictating certain behaviours and expectations without them being obvious on the surface.

Protective/Territorial Behaviour

Mothers, especially, tend to be fiercely protective of their sons.

It's a natural instinct that typically starts the moment they become mothers, and continues to run deeply even as they grow up and take on all their own responsibilities.

If you notice your boyfriend's mom asserting herself in ways that seem overly protective or intrusive, you might first find it helpful to understand that this behaviour usually stems from a place of love and concern. You might also have territorial tendencies when it comes to your boyfriend, kids, pets, or friends, in which case communicating and setting boundaries has likely helped you navigate any tensions that have arisen in your relationships.

Closeness vs. Distance

How close is too close when it comes to your boyfriend and his mom? Are you feeling like "I hate my boyfriend’s mom” because you have two different ideas of how relationships are “supposed to” work?

This is a question many couples grapple with and ties in a lot with boundaries.

Your boyfriend's relationship with his mom might influence how you perceive and interact with her — more than yourself as an individual.

For example, if they're exceptionally close, you might feel pressured to match that level of closeness, or conversely, if they're distant, you might feel a sense of relief but also wonder about your role in bridging that gap.

You might want to start by considering how your own family relationships shape your expectations of a mother-in-law relationship. If you come from a tight-knit family, you might naturally expect the same level of closeness with your partner's family, and vice-versa.

Respect for Authority

Authority and hierarchy within families can vary greatly from household to household. How does your boyfriend’s mom view authority, and how does it compare to your own beliefs?

Generational and cultural backgrounds often play a significant role in shaping attitudes toward authority. Your boyfriend's mom may have different expectations based on her upbringing, which might clash with your views.

Being open to discussing these differences and finding common ground can foster healthier relationships within the family dynamic and could bridge the tension between you and your boyfriend’s mom.

Cultural Differences

Cultural diversity adds another layer of complexity to the relationship with your boyfriend's mom. It's crucial to recognize and respect these differences, as they can significantly impact communication and behaviour.

Take the time to explore your boyfriend's family's cultural norms and traditions. How do they differ from your own? Even if they tend to differ greatly, finding common ground is key.

Look for shared values and experiences that can bring you closer together, despite cultural differences. Approaching these conversations with empathy and a willingness to learn can strengthen your bond with your boyfriend's mom.

Generational Differences

The generation gap is often a classic source of misunderstanding between you and your boyfriend's mom. It's important to remember that you both come from different eras, each with its own set of values, beliefs, and life experiences.

Your boyfriend's mom may have expectations based on her upbringing that differ from your own, which can lead to conflicts or misunderstandings.

Communication Styles

Communication is key in any relationship, including the one you have with your boyfriend's mom. Take some time to assess both your own and her communication styles. Are you more direct, while she tends to be more indirect? Do you rely heavily on verbal cues, while she pays more attention to nonverbal signals?

You may want to be mindful of how you express yourself and be open to adapting your communication style to better align with hers — because effective communication is a two-way street!

I Hate My Boyfriend’s Mom. What Do I Do?

It's a tough spot to be in when you find yourself constantly thinking “I feel like my boyfriend’s mom hates me.” But before you throw in the towel, let's explore some steps you can take to address these feelings and improve the situation.

Identify the Root Cause

First things first, let's figure out why you're feeling this way. Reflect on specific incidents or behaviours that have contributed to your dislike. Is it something she said or did? Or are there underlying emotions or past experiences that are influencing your perception?

Communicate With Your Boyfriend

Communication is key in any relationship, including the one you have with your boyfriend. Instead of placing blame, focus on sharing your own emotions and experiences with him, so that together, you can discuss potential strategies for addressing the issues and improving your relationship with his mother.

Many couples like to look at their relationships like a team, tackling problems not from one side or another, or right or wrong, but together. In other words, the first person you should be saying “I hate my boyfriend’s mom” to is, well, your boyfriend himself!

Set Boundaries

We discussed boundaries before, but they’re truly crucial for maintaining your well-being in any relationship. Determine what boundaries are necessary for you with your boyfriend's mother.

Once you've identified them, communicate them clearly and assertively to both your boyfriend and his mother. Be prepared to enforce these boundaries consistently and respectfully, even if it causes initial discomfort. You could even consider starting therapy together to both learn how to set and respect one another's healthy boundaries.

Find Common Ground

Despite your differences, there may be areas where you and your boyfriend's mother can connect. As mentioned, identify shared interests or values that you both have and look for opportunities to engage in activities or conversations that foster mutual understanding and respect.

Feeling the sense of "I hate my boyfriend’s mom” might be not knowing each other well enough. Building connections based on common ground can help bridge the gap between you both.

Give It Time

Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither are positive relationships!

Recognize that building a better relationship with your boyfriend's mother may take time and patience. Be willing to invest effort into gradually improving your interactions and resolving conflicts instead of trying to get everything right in one visit.

Empathy and understanding will be a great tool in your toolbox as you navigate the complexities of familial relationships.

Get Support from Access Therapy

Consider setting up a free therapy consultation with a therapist who specializes in family dynamics or relationship issues at Access Therapy! Our experts could help determine the types of therapy you might need — like DBT Therapy, CBT Therapy, or Anxiety Therapy, to name a few — especially when it comes to navigating challenging family dynamics.

You shouldn’t have to constantly be wondering “how do I know if my boyfriend’s mom hates me?”, and you certainly don’t have to go through the process of remedying the situation on your own!