If my partner doesn’t want to do couples counselling, should I try individual therapy on my own?

Please note: our blog posts are solely informational and are not meant to replace individualized therapeutic advice or healthcare.

You’re struggling in your relationship with a loved one and you think couples therapy would be a good way to navigate the dynamic, but they’re just not interested or willing. 

Issues in a relationship occur in the space between two (or more) people.

For the sake of simplicity, we’ll just refer to two individuals in this article, but this information applies to family dynamics, polyamorous structures and even friendships. 

Both of these people are bringing their history, relationship dynamics, and their wounds into that space. When hoping to change a dynamic it would be ideal to have both people involved because both people are responsible for it. However, that’s not always possible. People have so many reasons that they don’t want to delve into therapy. From cultural beliefs to previous experiences, to a fear of being blamed. All of these reasons are valid and come from a place of historical learning. But this doesn’t help you right now. You want to actively work on your relationship issues, right? Well, maybe you still can, individually.

There can be value in one person seeking therapy in the hopes of improving the relationship.

This path looks slightly different because by addressing your portion of the dynamic and bringing change to that part, you’re going to bring a pressure to the entire relationship to change. By understanding your relationship needs more deeply, you will likely begin shaping your actions, reactions and conversations to be more in-line with those needs. Your contribution within the relationship will shift which will result in a tension and an opportunity for the other person to meet you there and shift with you.

Regardless of therapy, as we age our priorities change and so does the energy with which we show up in our lives (including our relationships). You will change with time, and the hope is that your relationships are strong enough to evolve right alongside you. Some resistance to change can be expected, but there also needs to be a willingness to grow and evolve in long term committed relationships. 

Often, when one person is doing the work of individual therapy, experiencing amazing growth and important realizations, the other partner notices. They can see that their loved one is different, even if it’s a small change. They might notice that you react less, communicate more effectively, prioritize differently and hold yourself more accountable. This can be the necessary precursor for partners that are resistant to therapy or reaching out ‘for help’.    

But ultimately, you can only do half the work with this individual endeavour.

You cannot force another person to change or expect that the other person is going to change because you’re ready for it. Likely, the work of individual therapy will benefit you even if you never end up doing couples therapy. 

If you are ready to take the next step with individual therapy, you can contact us with questions or book a FREE consultation.  We’ll get to know you and your needs in therapy and then pair you with the right therapist on our team.