What to Say to a Grieving Person
In a world that often feels rushed and busy, knowing how to support someone who is grieving can be a daunting task. You want to help, but you might find yourself unsure of what to say or do. The truth is, grief is complex and deeply personal, and those well-meaning attempts to comfort can sometimes fall flat—or even cause more pain.
We know you want to avoid doing that, but what’s the answer?
“Fixing” Sadness
In our society, there’s a common instinct to try to “fix” someone’s sadness. We want to ease their pain, but in doing so, we sometimes unintentionally invalidate their feelings. This can happen through phrases that, while meant to be supportive, can actually minimize the person’s experience. For example, saying, “They’re in a better place now,” can feel dismissive to someone who is grappling with the reality of their loss. Instead of feeling comforted, they may feel unheard, as if their grief is not acknowledged.
Similarly, phrases like “At least you had them for a while” can come off as an attempt to highlight a silver lining, but this can invalidate the depth of their sorrow. The grieving person might feel that their pain is being brushed aside in favour of a shinier perspective. Even something as simple as “Everything happens for a reason” can be jarring, as it implies that their loss is part of a greater plan—something that may be hard to accept in their moment of pain.
“Everything happens for a reason”
Even folks who believe in a bigger plan or some grand design can struggle to connect with this belief when the shock of a death is so raw. This doesn’t mean they’ve changed their entire perspective on reality (though that can happen), it just means that they need time to feel the sadness, anger, disbelief, unfairness and anything else that comes up first, then they might find their bearings again. Being rushed into this perspective or shamed for feeling anything uncomfortable and painful will only isolate them from the community and the support they need.
This pattern of trying to soothe someone’s sadness by offering platitudes often leads to feelings of isolation.
When grieving individuals hear phrases that don’t resonate with their experience, they might hesitate to share their true emotions or fears. They may worry that opening up will lead to more invalidation, leaving them feeling even more alone in their grief.
The challenge lies in recognizing that grief doesn’t have a set timeline or a clear pathway. Everyone’s journey through loss is unique, and what might comfort one person could deeply wound another. In a culture that often shies away from discussions about death and loss, many of us are left unprepared for these conversations.
Listening without judgment
You want to help, but you don’t always know how to do so effectively.
So how do we move forward? First and foremost, it’s important to listen. Offering a space where the grieving person can express their emotions—without judgment or the pressure to “feel better”—is crucial. A simple, “I’m here for you. I’m ready to listen whenever you want to talk,” can open the door for more meaningful conversations.
Understanding that sometimes the best support is simply being present can make a world of difference. By refraining from attempting to fix their sadness and instead validating their feelings, we create a supportive environment where they feel safe to express themselves. In this blog, we’ll explore more ways to support those in grief, focusing on compassion and connection rather than platitudes. Together, we can learn to navigate this challenging landscape of grief with greater sensitivity and understanding.
If you’re considering learning more about these repressed parts of yourself with a therapist, reach out and see if this is a good step for you to take. Book a free consultation or fill out a form on our contact page.
“I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.”
This acknowledges their pain and shows empathy. It also highlights that their experience is unique and will likely flow in their own unique way. Even if you’ve lost someone similar in your life, your experience will have been different from theirs. Allow that difference to exist without showing up like an ‘expert’ in their grief.
“I’m here for you, whatever you need—whether it’s to talk, to sit in silence, or to share memories.”
There is no prescribed grieving journey and allowing folks to feel supported in how they want to proceed through the loss is a powerful gift. This offers them the freedom to choose how they want to engage.
“It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling right now. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.”
This validates their emotions and encourages openness. The next step is to actually follow through on that and make space for these emotions without jumping to ‘fix it’ solutions. You might not choose to grieve the same way, and that’s ok, there is likely a reason that they are moving through the process as they are. Be there as a non-judgmental witness.
“I remember when [insert a fond memory or quality about the person they lost]. They were truly special.”
Sharing memories can honor the deceased and help the person feel connected. Though not everyone is ready to do this right away. Sometimes it can feel necessary to disengage from the reality of the loss while trying to go through the funeral set up, fielding bank/lawyer/workplaces/insurance calls. It often helps to ask someone if they are ready to share memories about their loved one before diving in.
“You don’t have to go through this alone. I’m here with you.”
This reinforces your support and presence. The darkness of grief and our society’s focus on ‘good vibes only’ can leave people feeling like their pain is too big and burdensome to share. They often don’t want to bring others down or take up space during a challenging time for their loved ones. Reinforcing your presence consistently can help create a bridge for them to cross when they are ready to share.
“If you feel up to it, I’d love to help you with anything you need—errands, meals, or just someone to talk to.”
Offering specific help can be very comforting especially when you do the thinking, planning and follow-through on your own. A phrase like “let me know how I can help” sounds similar enough but it saddles the grieving person with more work and more emotional labour to come up with ways you can help them…they often don’t know. Show up, bring food, start puttering around if you can, and check in often.
“It’s okay to smile and laugh sometimes, even amidst the sadness. Those moments are important too.”
This reminds them that joy can coexist with grief. Guilt is often a companion of grief for many reasons. The grieving person can feel like they’re not sad enough or it’s not appropriate for them to feel joy amidst just a devastating loss. Normalize the complexity of emotions for them, especially in a moment when joy springs up (and likely guilt too).
“Whenever you’re ready, I’d love to spend time with you, whether that’s going out or just being together at home.”
This expresses your willingness to support them in whatever way they feel comfortable. Be ready to pivot when you try something and it doesn’t resonate. Your presence and care are not being rejected, it’s just not the right time for that particular activity.
Do you need support?
Something to keep in mind is that supporting a grieving person can trigger surprising grief and sadness in you, too. It’s worth acknowledging these feelings and exploring what kind of care you need during this time too. The grieving person is not the person to turn to, but someone else in your life is likely ready to be there for you.
If you’re struggling with supporting a grieving person and need support for yourself - just like your loved one, you’re not alone either.
Therapists are as unique as their clients, and it’s possible to find the right fit for you. Just ask us how.
