Gratitude as one of shame’s many faces.
Please note: our blog posts are solely informational and are not meant to replace individualized therapeutic advice or healthcare.
No, not all forms of gratitude are negative. Quite the opposite, actually.
Authentic, heartfelt gratitude is a powerful emotion that brings forth a sense of love and connection to significant people and elements in our lives. Tapping into this feeling and purposefully engaging in expressing gratitude can yield positive outcomes for both ourselves and our relationships.
Gratitude promotes presence, mindfulness, and emotional intelligence. It can elevate prosocial behaviours within relationships, boost our resilience in challenging situations, and even alleviate symptoms of anxiety and depression when incorporated into a comprehensive treatment plan.
However, it's important to note a crucial distinction. While gratitude is beneficial in various aspects of life, using it as a sole treatment for conditions like depression or anxiety is rarely effective. In reality, relying solely on mainstream (and sometimes harmful) gratitude practices may undermine genuine issues and challenges. At its worst, it can reinforce deep-seated shame rather than addressing the root causes.
What is shame?
Shame is a complex and powerful emotion characterized by a deep sense of inadequacy, unworthiness, or disgrace. Unlike guilt, which is often linked to specific actions and behaviours, shame is more pervasive and relates to one's sense of self. It's a deeply internalized emotion that can profoundly affect an individual's self-esteem and overall well-being.
Guilt about forgetting a friend’s birthday might lead you to reach out to them, offer a sincere apology, and come up with a way to repair that hurt with them. Guilt centres the behaviour, and comes from a place of self-compassion allowing for your own humanness. Shame would have you believe that you’re a terrible friend or person because of this oversight, that you’re unworthy of the friendship and might encourage you to pull away and hide that feeling of inadequacy from others.
But what does this have to do with gratitude?
Shame often brings a load of internalized "shoulds" – these are beliefs about how our lives should be, how we should act, what our careers should resemble, and even how we should feel in various situations. These beliefs stem from societal, cultural, relational, and personal standards, each of us carrying them in different forms.
Have you ever felt like you should be grateful for something? Even though you objectively know its value perhaps you find it challenging to genuinely feel that sense of love and connection, which is a fundamental aspect of gratitude. The pressure to feel it might make you think, "I should feel this way, everyone else would," turning what could be gratitude into shame.
In situations where you're expected to feel positive emotions like joy, pride, love, contentment, or gratitude, an inability to access them is often linked to something deeper. Some need that isn’t being met and merely pretending to feel these emotions; like putting on a happy face or reluctantly making gratitude lists, doesn't actually foster these feelings. Instead, it can reinforce the neural pathways of shame, fostering feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, and a sense of being flawed.
If your experience of gratitude feels more forced and shame-based, keep reading for a few examples of why this might be the case.
Not the Time for Gratitude
Here are a few scenarios where gratitude might take on a negative or harmful aspect:
Invalidation of Negative Feelings: If someone feels pressured to be grateful in situations where they are genuinely struggling or facing adversity, it can be dismissive of their valid emotions. Forcing gratitude in difficult times may lead to suppression of necessary processing and coping.
Comparisons and Guilt: Constantly comparing oneself to others and feeling guilty for not being as grateful as someone else can turn gratitude into a burden. This comparative gratitude can create a sense of inadequacy and self-blame.
Denial of Real Issues: Overemphasizing gratitude to the point of denying or ignoring real issues can be problematic. It's essential to address and confront challenges rather than using gratitude as a way to escape or avoid dealing with them.
Expectation of Gratitude: When gratitude becomes an expectation rather than a genuine expression, it can be coercive. Feeling obligated to express gratitude, even when it's not felt authentically, can lead to resentment.
Toxic Positivity: This is an overall mindset where individuals feel compelled to maintain a positive outlook at all times, rejecting or invalidating any negative emotions. While positivity is beneficial, toxic positivity involves suppressing necessary and authentic expressions of emotion.
If genuine gratitude seems elusive, there's likely a valid reason. The first step is to approach yourself with curiosity and self-compassion. The "fake it 'til you make it" approach doesn't quite apply here – authenticity and understanding are key.
By understanding the underlying needs that contribute to your difficulty in experiencing authentic gratitude and addressing these aspects with self-compassion, you may gradually tap into gratitude in a more genuine manner. The objective isn't to impose gratitude but to live in alignment with your unique needs allowing external connections and love to flow more naturally from within you.
This is when the practice of gratitude becomes meaningful.
A genuine gratitude practice doesn’t cover up real issues with flowers and sunshine. If that’s what it is doing, then it’s just shame with a different face. That’s why the practice of gratitude is done with intentionality and foundational work in therapy. It is not a stand-alone treatment because it can serve to reinforce terribly negative self-talk if taken on too haphazardly.
If you've attempted to use gratitude as a way to lift yourself out of an emotional funk or depression, and it doesn't seem to be effective for you, that's absolutely okay! It makes sense.
Closing Thoughts
Only you can assess whether the gratitude practice you’re engaging in feels authentic to you. If any part of you resonates with the list above, then there is likely something worth exploring. You’re not bad or broken for not being able to access genuine gratitude right now, you’re likely just in need of some understanding and processing.
Addressing these negative feelings can be challenging or overwhelming, and reaching out for support is ok. A warm and empathetic therapist will always encourage you to look beyond your beliefs and turn towards what you genuinely need.
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