What is Anxious Attachment?
Attachment is a term often used in everyday conversations, but it has a much deeper meaning when explored through psychological theory. At its core, attachment refers to the emotional bonds we form with others—especially with our primary caregivers (parents mostly) during childhood. These early bonds are critical in shaping how we relate to others in our adult lives, influencing everything from friendships to romantic relationships.
Attachment Meaning
The concept of attachment was first introduced by British psychologist John Bowlby in the mid-20th century. He believed that the bonds we form with our caregivers early in life lay the foundation for how we navigate emotional connections throughout adulthood. Secure attachments create a sense of safety, allowing children to explore the world confidently, knowing they have a reliable caregiver to return to. But when these bonds are disrupted or insecure, the effects can echo into adulthood, causing relationship difficulties and emotional struggles.
At its heart, attachment theory suggests that our childhood experiences with those who cared for us can shape the way we approach relationships in every stage of life.
Attachment Trauma: The Roots of Insecurity
Attachment trauma happens when this early bond is disrupted—either through neglect, abuse, or even emotional unavailability from caregivers. Such trauma can cause a child to feel unsafe or unsure about their connection with others. When these feelings aren’t addressed, they can grow into adulthood, affecting how a person views themselves and others in their relationships.
Attachment trauma can take many forms. It could stem from overt causes, such as the loss of a caregiver, parental divorce, or emotional abuse. It could also be more subtle—like a caregiver being emotionally distant or unavailable, even without outright harm. This kind of trauma can result in attachment insecurity, where individuals struggle to trust others, develop a fear of abandonment, or have a constant need for emotional reassurance. For example, fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant attachment styles are often rooted in past attachment trauma.
Types of Attachment: The Four Main Styles
According to Bowlby’s theory, attachment behaviours vary significantly from one person to the next. In adulthood, these differences often show up in the form of four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Secure Attachment
People with this style feel comfortable with intimacy and are confident in their relationships. They communicate openly and handle conflict in a calm and rational manner. These individuals have a solid sense of trust and emotional balance.
Anxious Attachment
Individuals with attachment anxiety tend to fear rejection and may become overly dependent on their partners. They seek constant reassurance and might struggle with insecurity in relationships, fearing that their partner will abandon them.
Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment
Those with this style value independence above all else. They tend to avoid emotional intimacy and may push people away when they get too close. Dismissive avoidants often feel uncomfortable with vulnerability and prefer to deal with challenges on their own.
Disorganized Attachment
This style is often associated with trauma or abuse and can result in erratic or unpredictable behaviours in relationships. Individuals may swing between love and fear, struggling with emotional regulation and forming stable bonds.
If you’re curious about attachment we encourage you to reach out and see if speaking to an attachment therapist is the right step for you. Book a free consultation or fill out a form on the contact us page.
Can Attachment Styles Change Over Time?
The great news is that attachment styles are not set in stone. While early experiences shape how we connect with others, attachment insecurity doesn’t have to define us forever. Through therapy and self-awareness, many individuals can develop a more secure attachment style over time.
Attachment styles can shift as a result of new, healthy relationships or transformative experiences, including attachment-based therapy. In fact, addressing attachment trauma through therapy can be a game-changer for people who identify with anxious or avoidant tendencies.
Attachment Therapy
A Path to Healing
Attachment therapy is a specialized form of therapy aimed at healing the emotional wounds caused by insecure attachment patterns. By exploring how early experiences with caregivers shaped a person's relationships, attachment therapy helps individuals build healthier, more secure emotional connections. This type of therapy is particularly beneficial for those who struggle with attachment anxiety, fearful avoidant tendencies, or dismissive avoidant patterns.
The therapy helps clients revisit their childhood experiences, process trauma, and understand how these experiences influence their current relationships. The goal is to repair the emotional damage and develop healthier ways of relating to others. Attachment-based therapies often center on creating a safe, trusting relationship between the therapist and client, where clients can feel understood and supported.
What to Expect in Attachment Therapy
So, what happens in attachment therapy? It’s a journey of emotional discovery and healing. The therapist helps clients explore their attachment history—looking at how they were cared for as children and how that has influenced their relationships today. This could involve talking through past experiences, exploring feelings of abandonment or fear of intimacy, and learning how to form healthy emotional connections.
Attachment therapy isn’t about blaming mom and dad.
It’s about acknowledging the impacts that even their best efforts have had on you. It’s our belief as therapists that everyone is trying their best with what they have and what they know, and parenting is one of the hardest and relentless roles a person can play. Often patterns of attachment can be passed from one generation to the next without much awareness, and it’s this intentionality that can make the difference in how we show up in our adult relationships.
For individuals who experienced attachment trauma, therapy may start with understanding the nature of the pain caused by disrupted early bonds. Clients learn to process their trauma, letting go of the negative patterns formed as a result. For example, someone with attachment anxiety might work on feeling secure in their relationships without constantly needing validation, while someone with a fearful avoidant style might learn to let down their emotional guard and trust others more.
Therapists will also help clients set boundaries, improve communication, and develop emotional resilience. Techniques such as inner-child work, mindfulness, and emotion regulation are often employed to help clients heal and strengthen their sense of self-worth.
Importantly, attachment therapy is not a quick fix. It takes time to change deeply ingrained patterns, but the rewards are profound—stronger relationships, better emotional regulation, and a greater sense of inner security.
If this sounds intriguing to you, Book a free consultation or fill out a form on our contact page to see if this is the right step for your personal goals.
How Attachment Therapy Helps Different People
Attachment therapy isn’t just for individuals with traumatic histories. Even those who may not have experienced overt abuse or neglect but find themselves stuck in unhealthy relationship patterns can benefit from it. For example, someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style may push their partner away whenever things get too intimate. Therapy can help them understand why this happens and provide the tools needed to open up and connect more deeply.
Similarly, people with attachment anxiety often struggle with relationships because of their constant fear of being abandoned. Attachment therapy can help them shift from insecurity to confidence, allowing them to develop more stable, fulfilling connections.
In some cases, attachment therapy is used in family settings, helping parents and children rebuild trust and understanding. It’s particularly effective for families dealing with issues like adoption, foster care, or parental mental health issues, where attachment bonds may be strained or broken.
Healing Is Possible
No matter how entrenched your attachment style might seem, healing is possible.
Through attachment therapy, individuals can learn to understand and reframe their early attachment experiences, develop healthier relationship patterns, and build more secure emotional connections. The journey of therapy may be challenging at times, but the transformation it offers is well worth the effort.
If you recognize traits of attachment insecurity in your own relationships—whether it’s an unhealthy dependence, emotional withdrawal, or fear of intimacy—it’s never too late to seek help. By understanding your attachment style and seeking therapy, you can break free from old patterns, heal past wounds, and create the kinds of relationships you’ve always wanted.
Therapists are as unique as their clients, and it’s possible to find the right fit for you. Just ask us how.