As human beings, we are wired for connection. We are wired to be responsive to others and to grow and change in relation to them [1]. Research shows that an ability to form meaningful connections with other people is essential for our overall wellbeing [2]. Relationships shape how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. For example, if we are in loving and supportive relationships, we are more likely to feel worthy of love and experience an increased sense of belonging and safety in the world. Conversely, a lack of social connection can lead to feelings of loneliness, isolation, and rejection.

Attachment style refers to the ways in which we relate to others. According to attachment theory, the quality of attachments formed early in life (e.g., with primary caregivers) continue to influence adult relationships and wellbeing [3]. Thus, by understanding your attachment style, you may gain valuable insight into how your early experiences may be influencing your current thoughts, emotions, and behaviours in relationships. Through awareness of these patterns, you can begin to overcome any negative effects of your early experiences and develop healthier and more secure attachment patterns.  

What is your attachment style?

There are four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Each attachment style is characterized by specific patterns of thoughts, emotions, and behaviours in relation to others. These patterns can often be observed across all forms of relationships including romantic partnerships, friendships, family relationships, and even professional relationships.

Secure attachment

If all goes ”well enough” during our developmental years, we come to view relationships in generally positive terms. We seek out relationships and have an expectation of them being generally positive in our lives. Research shows that the attachment process goes well more often than we expect or realize! More than half of people are securely attached, as was demonstrated in the famous Ainsworth Baltimore Study which found that approximately 66% of children were securely attached [4].

If you have a secure attachment style, you will generally feel comfortable with emotional intimacy and be able to form close and trusting relationships with others. You will tend to have a positive view of yourself and others, and be generally confident in your ability to navigate relationships. You are likely to believe that most people are trustworthy and have good intentions, and act in accordance with this belief.

Anxious attachment

Anxious attachment is characterized by a strong desire for intimacy and connection that is coupled with an intense fear of abandonment and rejection. Perhaps early caregivers were unpredictable, overprotective, or neglectful, leading individuals to develop a deep-seated fear of abandonment and need for constant reassurance/validation. If you have an anxious attachment style, you may worry excessively about your relationships and be more likely to feel insecure or jealous. You may also be more likely to cling to your partners and struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries. Overcoming anxious attachment can involve building self-esteem, developing a strong sense of self-worth, learning boundary-setting skills, and improving communication.

Avoidant attachment

Avoidant attachment is characterized by a strong desire for independence and self-reliance that is coupled with a fear of intimacy and vulnerability. Perhaps early caregivers were emotionally or physically neglectful, or overly prioritized independence. Alternatively, perhaps early caregivers were overly invasive, and avoidance was adopted as a strategy for self-protection. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may prioritize autonomy over relationships, struggle with emotional expression/vulnerability, and have a tendency to emotionally shut down or withdraw. Overcoming avoidant attachment can involve developing a greater comfort with vulnerability, emotional communication, and assertiveness. It can also involve identifying and challenging negative beliefs about intimacy such as, “I don’t need anyone”.  

Disorganized attachment

Disorganized attachment is characterized by a mix of conflicting patterns of behaviour, such as a tendency to seek closeness while simultaneously pushing others away. This attachment style can result from traumatic experiences or neglect in childhood, such as abuse, parental addiction/mental illness, or a lack of responsiveness from caregivers. To overcome disorganized attachment, individuals can benefit from therapy to help process past experiences and develop coping strategies for better managing emotions, behaviours, and relationships. Additionally, practicing mindfulness, self-care, and self-compassion can help individuals with disorganized attachment develop greater emotional regulation and resilience.

In conclusion, attachment style can have a profound impact on our mental health and our ability to form meaningful and fulfilling relationships with others. Whether we have a secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style, therapy can be a valuable tool for processing past experiences and developing strategies that foster secure and healthy relationships. Emotion-focused therapy (EFT) is one form of therapy that is rooted in attachment theory and has been found to be particularly effective for treating attachment disturbances.  Through EFT, individuals can learn to identify and challenge negative patterns of thinking and behaviour, better communicate needs and boundaries, and build greater emotional intimacy and interpersonal trust. By seeking therapy and working to understand our attachment style, we can develop the insights and skills we need to form secure and more fulfilling relationships.

Read more about Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT).

Sources:

1. Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are. Guilford Press.

2. Fasihi Harandi, T., Mohammad Taghinasab, M., & Dehghan Nayeri, T. (2017). The correlation of social support with mental health: A meta-analysis. Electronic Physician, 9(9), 5212–5222. https://doi.org/10.19082/5212

3. Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.

4. Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. N. (2015). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation (Classic ed.). Routledge.