Growing up in a household where alcoholism is present can shape a person in many ways that they might not even realize.

These effects often last into adulthood, affecting how individuals see the world and interact with others.

Understanding where these characteristics of adult children of alcoholics come from can help those affected heal and move forward with more confidence and stability in their lives. Let’s explore some of the qualities so you can be closer to getting the help you need.

Where do Traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics Manifest From?

The characteristics of adult children of alcoholics often stem from the environment they grew up in. When a parent struggles with alcoholism or addiction, the family environment can become unpredictable and stressful. This instability can deeply affect kids as they grow.

During critical stages of development, such as childhood and adolescence, being exposed to alcoholism can disrupt normal emotional and psychological growth. 

Emotional neglect and inconsistent parenting can also contribute significantly to how these characteristics of adult children of alcoholics form.

Kids might not receive the emotional support they need when a parent's attention is consumed by alcohol or another addiction. This lack of support can lead to feelings of loneliness or abandonment. Additionally, genetics and hereditary factors may also play a role in influencing how these traits of adult children of alcoholics appear.

Note: Although the term "Adult Child of an Alcoholic" suggests that the parent has a history of alcohol abuse, many individuals who identify with this term may have a parent with a different type of addiction or addictive behaviour that still impacted their upbringing.

Common Emotional Characteristics

There are 13 characteristics of adult children of alcoholics that are most common, coined by Dr. Janet Woititz. We’re going to dive deeper into a few more notable ones, but here is the list of the 13:

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behaviour is.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.

9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviours or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

Understanding the emotional characteristics of adult children of alcoholics is crucial for personal healing. These traits can impact many areas of life, from how one handles stress and conflict to how one builds and maintains personal relationships and professional careers.

Here’s a deeper look inside some of the concepts:

Fear of Losing Control

One of the most common adult children of alcoholics characteristics is a fear of losing control (#8 on the list). For someone who grew up in an unpredictable home, controlling their environment or themselves can feel crucial to maintaining stability. This fear might show up in daily decisions, like being overly cautious or planning excessively. It can also affect relationships, where the need for control might lead to tension or conflicts with others.

To manage this fear, practicing mindfulness can be very helpful. Mindfulness helps you stay present in the moment rather than worrying about all the things that could go wrong. Techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or even just taking a moment to focus on your senses can reduce feelings of anxiety and the need for control.

Additionally, learning to let go of control safely is important. Start with small steps, like allowing a friend to make decisions about plans for an evening out, or not planning every detail of a project at work. These small steps can build your confidence in handling uncertainty and reduce the fear over time.

Adult children of alcoholics can begin to understand themselves better and start the journey towards healing and emotional stability simply by having this awareness

Difficulty with Intimate Relationships

Growing up in a home affected by alcoholism often leads to instability, which can cause trust issues in adult relationships. This lack of stability might make someone wary of relying on others, fearing that they might be let down just like they were in their childhood. This can result in either avoiding intimacy altogether or swinging to the opposite extreme—becoming overly dependent on partners for emotional support and validation.

Seeking relationship counselling or therapy can be particularly beneficial. A professional can provide tools and strategies to work through intimacy issues, helping individuals and couples build stronger, more fulfilling connections.

Behavioural Patterns

The behavioural patterns of adult children of alcoholics often serve as subconscious ways of coping with past trauma. These behaviours are typically rooted in childhood experiences and continue to influence adult life, often in ways one might not fully realize.

People-Pleasing

People-pleasing is a common behaviour among adult children of alcoholics. It develops as a survival strategy in a home where pleasing a parent could mean avoiding conflict or earning needed affection.

This behaviour leads to neglecting one's own needs and desires, as the focus remains on appeasing others at their personal expense.

Perfectionism and Self-Criticism

Perfectionism often stems from chaotic childhood environments where high levels of control and predictability were sought as means of coping. This can lead to setting unrealistically high standards and a pervasive fear of failure, which are accompanied by harsh self-criticism when you don’t meet those standards.

Cognitive Effects

The cognitive patterns you develop during childhood can profoundly affect how you interpret the world.

Black-and-White Thinking

Black-and-white thinking, also known as all-or-nothing thinking, is a cognitive style where things are seen as either completely right or completely wrong, with no middle ground.

This type of thinking can simplify decision-making but often at the cost of ignoring the complexities of most situations and relationships. In fact, it can lead to extremely rigid thinking, strained relationships, and frustration when reality doesn't match these binary expectations.

This is where cognitive restructuring techniques can be helpful. These can involve identifying and challenging the automatic thoughts that underlie black-and-white thinking. You can often find these techniques in CBT Therapy.

Hyper-Vigilance

Hyper-vigilance is a heightened state of constant alertness that can develop in individuals who grew up in unpredictable environments. It's a way of trying to anticipate and prevent potential problems before they occur.

It can be protective but at a cost. It significantly increases stress levels and can have a detrimental impact on overall mental health.

Coping Mechanisms and Resilience

There are many avenues for you to learn about healthy coping mechanisms.

You could start by reading adult children of alcoholics books, like Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz (which has the list we mentioned above). You could also explore the “Big Red Book,” which follows the 12-Step ACOA Program, and find a group near you or online to meet with and read through the book.

Trauma therapy is also an important piece of the puzzle. This can help you develop healthy coping mechanisms to build resilience and help you deal more effectively with the stressors and challenges of life while working through your past.

Adaptive and Maladaptive Coping

Not all coping mechanisms are good. Coping mechanisms can be categorized as adaptive or maladaptive.

Adaptive coping strategies, like exercising, engaging in therapy, and pursuing creative outlets, promote well-being and growth.

On the other hand, maladaptive coping strategies, like substance abuse or denial, can be detrimental and exacerbate stress and emotional difficulties in the long run.

This is where having support from a therapist is important – it helps you work through adaptive coping strategies and modify maladaptive ones.

Building Resilience

Resilience: the ability to bounce back from setbacks and adapt to challenging circumstances.

The process of building emotional and psychological resilience starts with developing a strong sense of self-awareness and understanding your emotional responses and triggers.

This can sometimes be the hardest part but it can feel more supportive with the guidance of a therapist.

When to Seek Help: Access Therapy

Recognizing the need for professional help is a critical step toward healing and growth for adult children of alcoholics. Our Hamilton therapy specialties can provide the tools and support needed to address the complex emotions and behaviours stemming from childhood experiences.

Taking the first step towards therapy is a sign of strength, not weakness! Seeking help is a courageous and positive decision toward achieving personal growth and a happier future.

So, why not start on the path to healing and well-being today? Book a free consultation with Access Therapy today to start!